So, it’s been like what, over a month since I blogged? Yes, I was gone for a while. I just didn’t feel like posting anything. Well, I thought because it was Ramadan, the holiest month of the year for Muslims, I should try to devote all my concentrations on the Almighty because maybe He can help me to escape or crawl out the hole that I am stuck in, and of course ask for forgiveness and pray a lot. I spent the month of Ramadan exactly how I have intended to spend—fast, do extra prayers, complete reading the Quran, stay away from tv/movies, stay away from people who push me to edge etc. Well, at least I checked off one thing in 2018 to do list. (Yay!)
🔶 Warning: I don’t know what exactly I want to talk about in this post and my thoughts may seem a bit disorganized as you keep on reading. I guess I am just writing just to get some weight off of my chest.🔶
And here it goes…
So I have been unemployed for quite some time and I am not going to specify for how long. I really want to get a job but I just can’t physically push myself to look for one. I feel like my consciousness is just plagued with enormous amount of self-doubt. No, I am NOT LAZY. There is something going on underneath. If I don’t get a job, how the heck am I going to pay off my student loan? And how am I going to finance myself to go to Graduate school? And that dream of buying a house…how all of that will happen if I am unemployed? And FYI, I have a bullet journal where I have written all my dreams and goals of life that I want to achieve with a deadline. And some of the items are past the deadline. I feel like my willpower and motivation is fading out. I know what I need to do but I just can’t push myself.
Whenever I think about to do something important, I immediately stop myself and back out of it; the self-doubt kicks in. Self-doubt, fear or whatever you call it is hijacking my life and me. If you have read my previous posts, you’ll know I have a problem with procrastination. Some people might just say, “ Oh just stop being lazy! Just go do it!”
It’s not that simple. I was proud of myself months ago that I was able to do a lot of things with little procrastination; unfortunately, I am back in the old loop again. If I were to draw the graph of my life from age 5 up until now, from age 5 to 15 has been an upward positive slope and then suddenly it’s been nothing but a negative slope. Straight downward. From first grade to sophomore year of high school, I was straight A student. I was also an ambitious girl and my friends, teachers and everyone in my family believed that ‘I will go places in life’ because I was so driven! I was this ambitious girl with big dreams and had the willpower to get anything done.
But…What happened to that girl?
I have been trying to look for answers myself. Why have I become like this? What can I do about it? Will I ever be able to escape from this hole? As I was searching for answers, I thought maybe I should turn to my favorite motivational speaker Mel Robbins for help. After months of picking up and then putting down her book to read (umm, shall I say procrastinating), I have finally finished reading the book and this time I made sure I highlighted and bookmarked the important pages. I have decided that for the next three months I am going to try the 5 second rule every single day, for every situation and see how far I go with my life. I mean at this point I will do anything to get my life together because I am that desperate, so trying the 5 second rule shouldn’t do any harm.
Umm, Are you still with me…? 😕
I must also add that I don’t completely feel hopeless about my life. I feel like currently I am in a shaky road and then things will turn out good again. But I really need to take a break and spend more time with myself and maybe I can figure out things. My life has not been a joyous ride thus far.
I am an immigrant who moved United States in 2006 and with that came along the difficulty of adjusting to a new country and new school. Ever since I moved, there has been nothing but only combinations of rough and sad things happened with me like being bullied at school, family issues, watching my parents get into arguments more than ever, my mother passed away suddenly while I was a junior in college and smattering of other things that have deeply scarred me, or shall I say deeply scarred that ambitious girl? Unfortunately, the universe has barely given me any good times since I migrated.
HOWEVER, “Umeed pe duniya kaayam hai”—that’s an Urdu/Hindi proverb and it means “The world runs on Hope”. Maybe I have been destined to go through the shaky road so that I learn a valuable lesson. All I know is that I want to become that driven ambitious girl again…or woman. I don’t want to be held back anymore by myself. I want to fly again.
And…hey you made it to the end of the post!
I really hope that you were able to keep up this far. I had no idea where I was going with this post given that I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. If you have any good advice for me, please let me know! I would love to read your thoughts.
Until next time! Hopefully it won’t be too long since I post again!